My Wifes Needs to Fo Back to Work
It sounded like a dream when you started your family — you'd take a step back from your career, ask the boss for flexible or fewer hours, begin working from home, even quit your job entirely. But pretty soon, you noticed something unsettling: a feeling of jealousy toward your spouse for getting to go off to a demanding job each day.
It's a familiar and growing — though little-talked about — problem, as more women (and a growing number of men) are giving up or stepping back their careers to raise their family. While the number of women ages 25-54 in the workforce from 2000 to 2013 grew steadily in most Western countries, in the U.S. it fell from 74% in 2000 to 69% in 2013. And women in this country work part-time jobs at nearly double the rate that men do.
Part of the reason for these numbers is that women leave the workforce or take a step back to focus on their families — many are glad to do it, dreaming of days that don't involve long hours at the office, but instead revolve around the home.
Fully 61% of non-working women ages 25 to 54 say that family responsibilities were the reason they weren't working (just 37% of non-working men in that age group said the same thing), according to a Kaiser Family Foundation/New York Times/CBS News poll released last year. And the main reason women work part-time instead of full-time is for so-called noneconomic reasons like raising a family, the Center for Economic and Policy Research notes; indeed, when asked why they work part-time, women cite child-care issues at more than seven times the rate men do.
But while we dream of stepping back (fewer than 1 in 3 moms say that working full time is ideal for them, with millennial women even more likely than their older counterparts to want to pause their careers for kids), it doesn't always make us happy. Women working part time say they experience more family guilt and career regret than either working moms or stay-at-home moms, according to a study published in the journal Advances in Communication Theory and Research. And stay-at-home moms feel more anger, sadness and other emotions than do working moms and working women without kids.
Sometimes, some of that anger, resentment and other negative emotions is directed toward our spouse's careers. While we — at least on paper — have the golden ticket (no more going into the office or fewer hours in the office), the harsh realities of parenthood have left us feeling jealous of our spouses' jobs, even with the long hours and demands those jobs come with.
"It's a common feeling," says Chicago-area clinical psychologist Nancy Molitor, who says she sees plenty of couples in her practice facing these issues.
Twenty-five-year-old mom-to-be Tiffany Mason, who transitioned from a demanding job in the entertainment field to a work-from-home job as a life coach in anticipation of parenthood, told us that she "can't help but to feel jealous that my husband works full time outside the house and gets to have that in-person interaction." Others feel upset about the fact that while their world (at least in some ways) has gotten smaller and more mundane with its focus on the kids and household, their spouse's has gotten larger and more exciting — as his job allows him to travel, make money and move up the career ladder. "There's a glamorization of working life — even though you know it's hard," says psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo, author of Better Than Perfect.
While, on the plus side, having a stay-at-home spouse enables the working spouse to do more professionally (travel, work longer hours, etc.), on the flip side, the breadwinning spouse may gets even more entrenched at work as she feels the need to work harder and harder to make sure the family has enough money — and that can make the spouses feel even further apart.
Jealousy and resentment of a spouse's career may also stem from the fact that the spouse with the stepped-down career may feel less important and that they are contributing less than the spouse who works more, thanks to the fact that our society puts a high value on working for pay, says Lombardo. It can also stem from the fear of missing out. One 43-year-old, Atlanta-based mother, who began working in public relations part-time when her children were small, says she feels "anxiety that I could potentially be missing out on career advancement due to the fact that I haven't worked in a full-time capacity in a decade."
And, of course, there's the harsh reality of how difficult being a full-time parent is. When Atlanta resident Sarah Hosseini, 30, quit her job as a TV producer in 2010 to become a stay-at-home mom, she and her husband thought it would be the best thing for the family. "We were so wrong," she says. "I never factored in that working was/is my sanity…I never factored in that I don't like staying home with small children."
This stress of being home full time led her to feel "jealous that he [her husband] has an office where he can think uninterrupted for eight hours every day" and resentful that her husband has "advanced so well in his career…especially because I know I could have [advanced] if I never walked away from it all."
After about six months of having her child, Hosseini began freelance writing because she wanted something else to do other than 24/7 child care. And while she loves this new job, she adds that it's not always easy working from home. "My writing is done during naps, bedtime and well, let's be honest, while the kids are being 'baby-sat' by the TV," she says. "I'm jealous that he gets to work a solid eight or more hours at a task or tasks and I have to work in increments."
For every person who dislikes being at home, there are plenty who are happy with working part time or leaving their career behind altogether.
And it's also important to remember the feelings of the working spouse, who may sometimes feel burdened by being the sole or primary wage earner, feel like they're missing out on important family time or other negative emotions. While St. Louis resident Ron Happold notes that his arrangement — he's the breadwinner and his wife stays at home — is ultimately rewarding, it's also "very stressful…keeping my wife happy is my highest priority, but at the same time, so is making enough money to actually 'bring home the bacon'".
From the outside, caring for children and managing the household can seem blissful, and working outside the home can appear glamorous, both have their drawbacks and benefits. Still, experts say that it's common and normal to resent your spouse's getting to go to a full-time job each day — even when you once jumped at the opportunity to put your own career on the back burner. But they caution that if unchecked, these feelings can be harmful to a marriage. That said, here's what you can do to curb that resentment.
First, put your thoughts about the issue on paper and organize them, so you can understand what exactly you're feeling, and then sit down and talk about it, says Molitor — preferably at a time when you're both calm and not stressed. "Keep the conversation short and focus on the main things [bothering you]," she says. After you've talked for just a few minutes, make sure your partner understands what you've said so you can clarify any misconceptions early on.
By the end of the conversation, you should have worked with your spouse to develop an action plan (concrete, doable steps with a timeline on them) to help ease those feelings of resentment or jealousy, says Molitor. And then, she adds, check in on this issue with your spouse at least once a month.
It's also important to let your partner know you need recognition for your role as the primary child care provider, says Lombardo. "People get resentful and they start stewing" when they don't think they're appreciated for their roles, she says — and sometimes stay-at-home parents feel like all their hard work isn't appreciated enough, especially in a world that values making money so much.
The stay-at-home spouse sometimes feels a loss of identity when she leaves her career (25% of stay-at-home moms feel they've sacrificed their identity to stay home, according to a ForbesWoman and TheBump.com joint survey). To overcome that, it's important to think through your values and strengths and find a project or hobby that's just for you, advises Lombardo — and it can be anything from writing a blog to playing tennis. (Yes, we know, it's hard to find time to do that, but it can help you feel better; consider even hiring a baby sitter to give yourself time to pursue this.)
Lastly, one of the reasons you may feel resentful is that you, as the stay-at-home parent, may feel that you're on child care duty 24/7 — which is, frankly, exhausting. Yes, your partner is tired too when she gets home from the office, but caring for the kids should be a team effort when both parents are home.
"What's your role when your partner is home — have an open conversation about that," Lombardo advises. "Figure out a balance."
My Wifes Needs to Fo Back to Work
Source: https://www.marketwatch.com/story/is-it-normal-to-resent-my-working-spouse-this-much-2015-07-27
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